You're "Yes" Then You're "No"

I’ve always considered myself to be a “yes” person. I want to be helpful and available; to be spontaneous and adventurous; to adapt myself and accommodate others; to be liked and likable; so I say, “yes”– to requests for time, energy, presence, offerings, and everything in between. It began with my parents and teachers–the people that held authority over my life–then shifted to include friends and other people I liked or respected. As I grew up, I’ve found that this propensity now includes just about everyone.

For the most part, I really do want to make other people happy, and I like doing things with/for y’all. I like taking care of things, and feeling like my actions might contribute to a well-functioning society–like a round-about, or a good traffic cop, moving cars around smoothly and efficiently.

Disney mashup at Halloween Swing Night, featuring Genie and Bambi

Saying “yes” means that I get to hang out with cool people and do fun things–like spending a week in September in North Carolina with my Gals to finally celebrate my marriage, cutting a rug at a weekly swing dancing club, and trying Vietnamese desserts (mostly variations of jelly) for the first time.

Saying, "yes" means I get to try a new training plan to get me strong for a New Year’s climbing trip to Vegas, start doing parkour again, join a weekly Swim Club, and take impromptu trips to bubble waffle shops where they’re celebrating the birthday of Jimin, lead vocalist of the K-Pop boy band BTS.

Saying, “yes” also means I stretch my do-good muscles by offering to organize and clean up a neighbor’s house (remind me never to accumulate so much stuff) and work with the Girl Guides. I get to take on bigger, more impactful, jobs at work, like updating the curriculum for youth programs and developing a training protocol for new instructors. 

I’ve been thinking more about my usual M.O. recently, however, because I’ve been feeling increasingly less on top of my own To Do List (when was the last time I washed the sheets?), I haven’t really gotten to see Jamie all that much in the last month (how is it possible not to spend time with someone you live with??), and for the first time since I moved to Canada, I had to throw away some vegetables because they got moldy before I could cook them (the true tragedy). In accommodating everything else, I have inadvertently missed addressing my own needs (and, it seems, Jamie’s as well, who is evidently now an extension of myself).

At a potato-themed house warming party that I did not influence or plan. Potatoes are trending!

I know I am definitely not having a unique experience here. I’ve been reading a few books lately (The Art of Receiving and Giving by Betty Martin and The Coaching Habit by Michael Bungay Stanier) that have brought up this topic (unexpected, but timely), so I know many people struggle with the feeling of wanting to say “yes” but needing to say “no.” One insight, in particular, from these books has really made me rethink my yes-habit:

Saying “yes” to something means saying “no” to something else (duh).

This may be obvious to some, but I had never considered the other side of this coin before. I know there’s only so much time in the day and capacity in my body to do stuff–I’ve just never thought about what that means on the negative end (AKA what I’m not doing). 

Commiting to a training plan means I can’t climb socially with friends or miss my rest days. 

Filling up my evenings with parkour and swimming and dancing means I can’t cook elaborate dinners every night. 

Taking on new responsibilities at work means having less time to spend with Jamie. 

The first rule of Swim Club is Always Talk About Swim Club

I still want to say, “yes,” but I’m realizing now that I need to understand what I’ll be giving up in the process, and decide beforehand if that’s something I’m truly willing to do. In a contradictory way, I’ve been feeling really busy, and it’s because I’ve been really lazy about making deliberate choices regarding how I’m spending myself.

As they say, old habits (live free or) die hard. I've got a long way to go, but I’ll work on making my “yeses” fit my life, and not the other way around (that is the correct plural of "yes," according to the Internet; but I can't say I like it).

First snow of the season yesterday!