In My Feelings

This is the first time I’ve ever written a blog--and honestly the first time in a very long time that I’ve written much of anything at all--so I haven’t really been sure of what to put in here. I don’t know what might or might not be compelling to you lovely readers; I don’t know how much detail to give or if there should be some overarching theme or insights. 

So even though I’ve been on the road for over a month and have covered roughly 3,000 miles during my travels across the eastern US thus far, I’ve been reluctant and kind of afraid to write anything about it; especially because this leg of my trip has been mostly just visiting my friends and family and is that even interesting?

On the other hand, I’ve been feeling (intrinsic) pressure to write something, because now I’ve got ~subscribers~ and I’m apparently doing note-worthy things simply by being out here. Someone recently told me that confidence will make my writing better, so here are five weeks' worth of highlights and general musings that are undoubtedly the most entertaining reads on the Internet right now (nailed it):

• I received special authorization from the Canadian government to cross the border amidst COVID-related travel restrictions, and Jamie and I signed a lease for an apartment in Vancouver! Funnily, we signed on April 1st, and the thought of it all being some grand and terrible April Fools Day prank did cross my mind, but thankfully all is well and Jamie has keys in hand.

• My mom and I haven’t always had the closest of relationships. There were cultural and language barriers that I didn’t see the importance of breaking through, so we had a lot of trouble connecting. At first this made us fight a lot, but later it resulted in indifference towards each other. My mom always loved and cared for me, but it was often difficult for her to communicate those things. Now, as an adult (am I an adult?), I’ve been working for years to close the gap. I call her and try to visit her more often. I’m trying to learn Korean and make more Korean food. I still can’t get behind K-Dramas, but baby steps. 

  I’m not sure why, but the week I spent in my hometown this trip felt a bit like a breakthrough. My mom and I shared the kinds of deeper conversations I didn’t think were possible given the language barrier, and I feel closer and more connected with her than I ever have. She taught me how to make japchae and a handful of banchan, and even though I had never really cooked with her before, I somehow still managed to pick up all of her cute/annoying kitchen quirks. Who knew those were genetic?

  More and more, I think that everything, seemingly good or bad, that happens to me teaches me something important and helps shape me into the person I am. In that way, I don’t really have regrets or wish my life were different--my mom being the one exception. I wish I could tell 6 year old Cynthia to keep learning Korean; and tell 11 year old Cynthia to hug mom more; and tell 17 year old Cynthia to try harder to understand how strong mom is and how hard she works for you. I feel like I’ve lost so much--time, my culture, everything--because I was young and stupid and impatient. There’s no way to go back, but I’m moving forward--with her this time. 

• Many of the friends I grew up with have children these days, and their kids are getting to be the ages where they can remember me when I visit them. I don’t want any kids myself, but I’m finding that I do love being their Cool Aunt. My friends, on the other hand, don’t necessarily love that their children now want to grow up and live in a van in the wilderness, but that’s neither here nor there. Sorry about that (actually not that sorry). 
• I got my first dose of the Moderna COVID vaccine and oh boy oh boy was it a doozy. I was feverish, achy, and my arm was so sore that I could not lift it above shoulder-height. Morgan and I will be getting our second doses on the road (somewhere in Utah maybe?). Not trying to be dramatic, but I’ve heard the second dose is supposed to be the worse one, so I’m assuming that we’ll just lose the whole arm this time. 

Morgan meets up with me in El Paso, Texas on Friday, at which point will commence the climbing portion of the trip (reunited and it feels so goooood). At that point, it will have been almost a month since I have touched rock, and I have definitely gained some weight while on vancation with my people in the South (it couldn’t be helped). My last experience in Hueco Tanks was….not great for my ego. I’m on a diet now, but I’m expecting several servings of Humble Pie this time around as well. Stay tuned to see if I remember how to climb.

XOXO